Lesson 3: Italians hate Americans
50 Americans (25 of whom are hung over) +
Slovenly living habits (in fact the cleaning ladies of our first hotel refused to clean a few star citizens’ rooms)
Excessive drinking patterns +
Loud, Obnoxious behavior +
An average bedtime of 4 AM +
= Utter Disdain towards the American Existence
Now aside from the fact that every American tourist raises the population of morbidly obese individuals inhabiting the city exponentially, Italians do have a tender place in their heart for Americans, as they (along with peace-sign wielding Asians) provide the foundation of the tourist industry (Americans’ seem to have the belief that blowing their bank account is more viable than shedding the vast catacombs of internal fat they accumulate within a single meal at McDonald’s).
Nevertheless, this leniency only extends so far, and with the creeping/lurking skills I have perfected over the years, I have gathered empirical evidence to validate my claim:
Incident Number 1.) Dining Hall Atrocity
Europe is known for its “slow food movement”, and thus, when a mass of fat ass Americans enter a hotel breakfast lobby for their daily dosage of lard, it leads to substantial chaos. I was able to escape notice as my Iranian heritage gives me an exotic appeal that allows me to escape identification as American (or perhaps they are worried that I will blow up the hotel if I am unpleased); thus, as I remained incognito, I observed the disgust with which the waiters looked at each other whilst serving my classmates, and even saw a questionable salivary excretion enter a young man’s coffee.
Incident Number 2.) Campanile Disaster
Also during our trip, Ben and I decided to make the long trek up the Santa Maria del Fiore’s Bell Tower, which is a very claustrophobic trek (the walls are only wide enough for a moderately-sized individual to advance in a single file line) of 414 steps. It was here that the comedy ensued as the foreign tourists tried oozing their considerable girth up the tower. As the futile attempts of waddling ascension were often met with either an asthma attack or love handles adhering to the rough texture of the walls, the Italian supervisors did not move to assist, but instead sat back and watched the ensuing mayhem with a sadistic smirk of gratification.
Final Conclusion: With such information presented to you (along with the fact that we have successfully obliterated the wi-fi of each hotel we have stayed in), I hope you see the validity of my claims, and I encourage any American to exercise caution when traveling abroad in the hopes that we can uplift our currently negative perception in Europe.
Lesson 4: Assigning nicknames is the ideal way for recognizing people.
During the trip so far, we have come across many new individuals with increasingly similar names. Thus, Ben and I have established a new method of remembering specific peopleà assigning nicknames.
Nicknames can be established in any manner of ways and have proved remarkably successful:
1.) Having a distinguishable physical characteristicà Examples Include:
*Having a Ron Jeremy mustache
*Having calves that “rumble” while walking
*Having lesions and/or leprosy
*Having the appearance of Tommy Pickles from “The Rugrats”
*Having the body style of Peter Pantlin
*Having a cartoon character’s faceà manifests itself most prominently while in the presence of the teacher
2.) Derived from a unique quotation or action that took placeà Examples Include:
*Ordering 8 Jack and Cokes on a plane flight using a fake idà Now aptly named “Jack and Coke”
*Discussing the intricacies of the Lord of the Rings novels.
*Declaring that you have an undying need for drugs every morning.
Lesson 5: Teachers + Microphones attached to audio sets + Walking Tour = Priceless Comedy
Our art teacher is truly a man of technology. Encouraging us to embrace our American-Tourist stereotype, we are required to proceed caravan-style through the cities of Europe like a herd of androgynous sheep with a set of audio “receivers” (black cell-phone like objects). These machinations transmit through a channel connected to the gigantic microphone attached to our teacher’s head, which is so large that it appears to be a malignant tumor and/or the remnants of a Siamese Twin from the distance. The goofiness of the situation is magnified by the fact that our teacher enjoys walking at a pace akin to an Ethiopian, so we are essentially doing wind-sprints through the city. In effect, the noises emanating through the audio devices boil down into three categories:
A.) Dog-Like Panting as we proceed over large hillsàgreat motivation for climbing the Palatine Hill!!!
B.) Small talk to studentsà Most notable today when the teacher referred to me as a “strange little creature” when I tried to kick a pigeon and declared that the pigeon would attempt to crap on my head later (though it failed when it nailed Ben instead).
C.) High pitched mumbling when the microphone wanders to close to the mouth, which almost sounds like Michael Jackson attempting to seduce you.
I hope these words of wisdom provide sufficient travel advice, and that you have now learned how to avoid getting shit on by vengeful pigeons or having your coffee spit in by scorned Italian waiters.