Tweens, Teens, and Twenties

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

June 3rd-7th: Events (Part 2)

Lesson 3: Italians hate Americans
Imagine this:

50 Americans (25 of whom are hung over) +

Slovenly living habits (in fact the cleaning ladies of our first hotel refused to clean a few star citizens’ rooms)

Excessive drinking patterns +

Loud, Obnoxious behavior +

An average bedtime of 4 AM +

= Utter Disdain towards the American Existence

            Now aside from the fact that every American tourist raises the population of morbidly obese individuals inhabiting the city exponentially, Italians do have a tender place in their heart for Americans, as they (along with peace-sign wielding Asians) provide the foundation of the tourist industry (Americans’ seem to have the belief that blowing their bank account is more viable than shedding the vast catacombs of internal fat they accumulate within a single meal at McDonald’s).

Nevertheless, this leniency only extends so far, and with the creeping/lurking skills I have perfected over the years, I have gathered empirical evidence to validate my claim:

Incident Number 1.) Dining Hall Atrocity

            Europe is known for its “slow food movement”, and thus, when a mass of fat ass Americans enter a hotel breakfast lobby for their daily dosage of lard, it leads to substantial chaos.  I was able to escape notice as my Iranian heritage gives me an exotic appeal that allows me to escape identification as American (or perhaps they are worried that I will blow up the hotel if I am unpleased); thus, as I remained incognito, I observed the disgust with which the waiters looked at each other whilst serving my classmates, and even saw a questionable salivary excretion enter a young man’s coffee.

Incident Number 2.) Campanile Disaster

Also during our trip, Ben and I decided to make the long trek up the Santa Maria del Fiore’s Bell Tower, which is a very claustrophobic trek (the walls are only wide enough for a moderately-sized individual to advance in a single file line) of 414 steps.  It was here that the comedy ensued as the foreign tourists tried oozing their considerable girth up the tower.  As the futile attempts of waddling ascension were often met with either an asthma attack or love handles adhering to the rough texture of the walls, the Italian supervisors did not move to assist, but instead sat back and watched the ensuing mayhem with a sadistic smirk of gratification.

Final Conclusion: With such information presented to you (along with the fact that we have successfully obliterated the wi-fi of each hotel we have stayed in), I hope you see the validity of my claims, and I encourage any American to exercise caution when traveling abroad in the hopes that we can uplift our currently negative perception in Europe.

Lesson 4: Assigning nicknames is the ideal way for recognizing people.

During the trip so far, we have come across many new individuals with increasingly similar names.  Thus, Ben and I have established a new method of remembering specific peopleà assigning nicknames.

Nicknames can be established in any manner of ways and have proved remarkably successful:

1.) Having a distinguishable physical characteristicà Examples Include:

*Having a Ron Jeremy mustache
*Having calves that “rumble” while walking
*Having lesions and/or leprosy
*Having the appearance of Tommy Pickles from “The Rugrats”
*Having the body style of Peter Pantlin
*Having a cartoon character’s faceà manifests itself most prominently while in the presence of the teacher

2.) Derived from a unique quotation or action that took placeà Examples Include:

*Ordering 8 Jack and Cokes on a plane flight using a fake idà Now aptly named “Jack and Coke”
*Discussing the intricacies of the Lord of the Rings novels.
*Declaring that you have an undying need for drugs every morning.

Lesson 5: Teachers + Microphones attached to audio sets + Walking Tour = Priceless Comedy

            Our art teacher is truly a man of technology.  Encouraging us to embrace our American-Tourist stereotype, we are required to proceed caravan-style through the cities of Europe like a herd of androgynous sheep with a set of audio “receivers” (black cell-phone like objects).  These machinations transmit through a channel connected to the gigantic microphone attached to our teacher’s head, which is so large that it appears to be a malignant tumor and/or the remnants of a Siamese Twin from the distance.  The goofiness of the situation is magnified by the fact that our teacher enjoys walking at a pace akin to an Ethiopian, so we are essentially doing wind-sprints through the city.  In effect, the noises emanating through the audio devices boil down into three categories:

A.) Dog-Like Panting as we proceed over large hillsàgreat motivation for climbing the Palatine Hill!!!

B.)  Small talk to studentsà Most notable today when the teacher referred to me as a “strange little creature” when I tried to kick a pigeon and declared that the pigeon would attempt to crap on my head later (though it failed when it nailed Ben instead).

C.)  High pitched mumbling when the microphone wanders to close to the mouth, which almost sounds like Michael Jackson attempting to seduce you.

I hope these words of wisdom provide sufficient travel advice,  and that you have now learned how to avoid getting shit on by vengeful pigeons or having your coffee spit in by scorned Italian waiters.

June 3rd- June 7th: Events (Part 1)


          The last few days of the Oxford Trip have been amazing; we have moved through Florence to Orvieto, and now reside in Rome!! I would apologize for the long wait on the blog posts, but the Internet in Italy sucks.  This is most likely correlated to the fact that the wi-fi modems/receivers are about as ancient as the city itself, and they tend to blow out every time 50 Americans try to gorge upon the fine excesses of the world wide web in a simultaneous cyber attack.  Nevertheless, such experiences, and others like it, over the past 5 days have brought forth 5 new life lessons that I have engrained into my memory.

Lesson 1: Sneezing > Snoring

            Now, to any individual who is married or ever had a roommate, (or, in my case borne witness to Tim/Nelu McDowell and Kunaal Gurbaxani in a single lifetime) has heard the Satanic, guttural evocations we know as “snoring” and understands that it was likely created by God as a punishment for original sin.  Before this trip I had foolishly chosen to believe that this was the worst possible human suffering that could be inflicting upon me; however, this was before I encountered the manifestation of Lucifer himself [or herself :p ], Ben Belden’s snoring.

Ben is a crafty creature, as he chose to lure me into a false sense of security over our first few days together.  The angelic silence with which he conducted his slumber created a scene of tranquility and serenity in which I was able to accumulate a full REM sleep cycle.  However, as we made our way to Rome, Ben chose to reveal his true nature.
June 6th 4:30 AM: Ben strikes:
            A large initial rumble that shatters the roomà I awake
            Sneeze.
            Sneeze.
            Sneeze.

I bury my head into the recesses of my pillow in the hopes that my Ostrich-like surrender would appease Ben’s bloodlust.
Sneeze.
I grab my headphones and attempt to block out the primal screams emitting from Ben.
Sneeze.
I remain awake for the rest of the night while Ben calmly falls back asleep.

Update: It appears that God is still watching over me, as he provided restitution for my crimes in the form of a pigeon shitting on Ben.

Lesson 2: Ben Belden does not enjoy alarm clocks

Expanding upon my observations of Ben, I have also learned that he hates alarm clocks.  Initially during our trip, before the fatigue of walking 15 miles every day set in, I attempted to wake up early every morning and exercise.  Like any human, I chose not to attempt this Herculean feat one day, and instead clicked the dismiss button on my alarm…or so I thought.

In my drug-like trance of drowsiness I had accidentally clicked the snooze button, much to the chagrin of Ben.  As the first snooze interval went off, it was followed by a strange vocalization from Ben, which sounded like a Gregorian Chant à he later stated that he was proclaiming : “Who’s Watch” (inside joke, so mind your own damn business).

The beeping of my phone stopped, so I assumed that the disaster had been averted, but when the next sound-wave erupted, it was met by an icy cold glare by Ben from across the room; in my panic I tried to grab my phone, but only succeeded in knocking it out in the deep alcoves of the abyss below me [or in “layman terms”, under my bedà your welcome Nick Le ;) ]

Thus, another ten minutes passed in which I naively believed that perhaps the alarm had been turned off by some divine miracle.  However, the alarm went off for a third time, sufficiently provoking Ben’s verbal inquisition:

Ben: “You gonna fucking get up for one of those?”à (Translation: Shut the hell up.)

Taylor: “It’s not “feasible” to run right now.”à Yes I do speak in the same flowery/nerdy language with which I write.

Ben: “K well I don’t like sleeping in ten minute intervals.” (Translation: You’re an asshole.)


And thus our day began.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Oxford Trip Day 2: "No Foto....you are children"

I dedicate this blog post to myself, Taylor McDowell, who sacrificed his dignity to get pictures at the various sites of art...AKA I was thrown out of churches for taking pictures in a "No Foto" zone and being a "children."


Warning: This post is a more serious one, as it contains my interpretation and opinion about various art pieces; if art isn't your thing, you have been forewarned.

Today was essentially the first “real day” of our trip, and we spent the majority of the day touring centers of art throughout Florence.

The more prominent highlights of our trip included:
-Pontormo’s "The Deposition"
-Brunelleschi’s "Santo Spirito"
-Masaccio’s "The Tribute Money"
-Bologna’s "The Abduction of the Sabine Women" (a personal favorite of mine)
-Cellini’s "Perseus"
-Ghiberti’s "Gates of Paradise"
-Michelozza’s "Palazzo Medici"
-Brunelleschi’s "Foundling Hospital"

We are charged with providing detailed reports on each of the works (a very time consuming task) along with personal drawings of the art pieces (or, in my case, stick figures); full pictures of these landmarks of art history can be found on my facebook page.

However, while visiting the Accademia in Florence, I also came across some pieces of “un-required work” that I enjoyed.  I understand that my opinion is subjective and is no way considered canonical, but it is what I “felt” when I saw the art, so I thought I’d share my personal opinions.


-The look of self-loathing on Herod’s face is telling as, for me, it represents the inner, often times concealed from our own conscious, disgust we have about our own sin.

-Further, Herod's downward gaze, which conspicuously avoids his accuser, symbolizes the tendency for many of us to avoid confronting our own sin, essentially turning away from the “divine.”

2.) Paccineli; “Episode from the Massacre of the Innocents” "

-Not much deep symbolism here, but I found the look of desperation on the fleeing mother’s face to be haunting --> an almost futile look of hopelessness which implores the viewer to aid her escape.

3.) Calamai; “Dante visiting hell, accompanied by Virgil, recognizes Farinata and speaks to him.”

-This chilling work greatly disturbed me when I saw it for two reasons:
    *The haunting images of the suffering faces in the background
    *The contrasting expressions on Dante and Virgil’s faces:
          Virgil has a demeanor of stoic bewilderment (perhaps even amusement)
          Dante looks disgusted at the fate his friend has suffered.

-To me, this embodies one of the tragic occurrences of life in which our friends slide down a path   of sin, leading to horrific and eternal ramifications; such a path can extend so far that we barely recognize, or perhaps even recognize with disgust/horror, the person we once knew.

4.) Michelangelo; "David"

-An almost universally recognizable work, I was immediately drawn to the graceful positioning (or contrapposto) of this Biblical hero, and the intricate detail given to his portrayal (particularly the veins on his arms and the extremities of his limbs).

-However, upon further inspection, I found David’s eyes to be the most telling part of this work:
Avoiding the gaze of the viewer, David appears sad/melancholy towards the task he must perform; he is contemplating the sacrifice he must make with the realization that killing, even in the name of God, is a task that will ALWAYS weigh heavy on one’s soul, an eternal stain on the conscience.


-For me, this lighter pastels in the center panel surrounded by the darker colors of the side wings produces both a soothing yet disturbing/awe-inspiring aura that emanates from the work.

-The eye contact by several saints (and God in particular) invokes a sense of introspection by the viewer and the realization that we cannot hide ourselves from God.

-The protruding structure with the angels adds a sense of divinity, gravity, add awe to the work.

6.) Straus; “Christ as the Man of sorrows with the Symbols of the Passion.” 

-Within this work, I feel that Christ’s sorrow and emotion humanizes him in a manner that is uncharacteristic of most artistic styles (Gothic in particular)--> The pain on Jesus’ face and those closest to him invokes a spiritual connection with the work.

-However, the veil of Jesus’ face on the bottom of the painting, which transpired during the most painful moment of Jesus’ journey to the cross, re-emphasizes his regality and divinity in a manner in which I realize that, while I may spiritually connect with Jesus, his sacrifice and inner strength was of a super-natural order.



Oxford Trip Day 1: Tridents, Swahili Demons, and Bidets

So today was the first day of the much anticipated Oxford Trip.  Things got off to a great start as I was immediately nestled in a middle seat with the excess rolls of a fat man to keep me company.

Clearly a violation of elbow room

Things only got better once our bus driver, a Frenchman stereotypically named Jean Pierre (who undoubtedly inhales about 5 packs of cigarettes a day), apparently enjoys maintaining an ecosytem hospitable for tumbleweed, cacti, kangaroos, and gila monsters (?) while driving for four hours.

Nevertheless, once Ben and I finally retreated to the haven of our room after a grueling 14 hours of traveling, we were confronted with horrors we were unprepared to face.

1.) Apparently Poseidon is the landlord of our hotel, as the outlets appear to be altars of his omnipotence.

Idols of the False God

2.) An unwelcome guest

Also upon our temporary living space was an unwanted third bed in the middle of the room.  Initially thought to be an aesthetic place-holder, the weird creaking noses emanating from the mattress led to Ben's deduction that it was inhabited by the "Ghost of Oxford's Past"... however, the reality of the matter was far more severe.

As we laid down to rest, we began to hear weird clicking and swirling noises lacking any rhythm or recurring pattern.  As the noises grew louder and incessant, we made the only logical conclusion to be had: the room was possessed by Swahili Demons.

**Undoubtedly Ben's soft drink bottle incensed the demons, as it causes an uproar amongst rural villagers in the 1980s.

3.) Bidet (?) or Foot-Washer (?)


A dilemma faced by naïve tourists everywhere, the presence of a small circular tub next to our toilet led to a debate as to whether the device is a harmless device to be utilized for washing pedicle extremities, or a sinister sex-toy used for washing genitals, anus/anuses/anii?, and other malevolent organs… 

Update: We have decided that the ambiguous device is in fact a foot-washer.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Awkward (Normal) Georgia Tech Moments

Braces. Typically associated with pre-adolescents with zits, hormones, and a burgeoning sense of rebellion, these cumbersome orthodontist appliances leave a swath of carnage and mental anguish in their wake.  We often look upon our past relationship with these metal shears of death as having been horrific, embarrassing, and the main reason for our social downfalls.

Fortunately, for most individuals such a traumatic experience is relegated to tween years.  Alas, I was not as fortunate.  Having gone into my yearly check-up into the orthodontist, my doctors were astonished to see that my teeth had become the personification of British dentistry.


Yay pretty teeth!

My teeth

Putting their disgust and repulsion aside, the doctors decided that I should have lower teeth braces for about 2 months; thus, my reign as the most awkward kid on the planet had begun.


However, being awkward on a college campus full of 10,000 kids with social skills teetering the line from closet serial killer to an Asperger patient isn't as bad as it seems.  I began to take interest in my peers, as it appeared that my throne as the King of Gawkiness was being challenged by a multitude of potential usurpers.


My rivals soon emerged, and their claim to the lordship was nearly as prominent as mine:


1.) Awkward "Hit on Girls While on the Stinger" Guy


Utilizing stealth and subtlety, the "Hitch" of public transportation was the epitome of a wolf in sheep's clothing.  I first discovered my nemesis on a rainy day in March.  Appearing to the untrained eye to be a typical Georgia Tech student, he blended into the mass assembly of students on the bus seamlessly.  Nevertheless, he soon made it apparent that his greed and ambition knew no bounds.

His target manifested itself in the form of a female occupant on the Stinger.  A normal looking girl by macrocosmic standards, within the Georgia Tech community she was reputed as a woman of extraordinary looks and self-appraised herself as the incarnation of Aphrodite herself.  However, despite her grossly inflated ego, she was no match for this:

Behold! This is the face of your future king
The two individuals appeared to know each other to some degree, but it appeared that the girl was apprehensive of their public conversation, as she was fearful that "knowing him" would make her appear less cool/hot.  Nevertheless, awkward bus-kid remained undeterred.  Seeping his tentacles of awkwardness into her slowly, he began his assault with seemingly benevolent banter concerning school and summer plans.  However, the girl made a critical error when she mentioned her struggles with second level Russian language studies.  Sensing his opportunity, my rival leaned in for the finishing blow.

Nemesis: Well you know, I could always help (he leans ever closer to his prey)

"Hawt" Girl:  (Uncomfortable fidgeting) Ummm

Nemesis: Languages no longer pose a threat to me (and apparently neither do social boundaries).  I learned Na'vi this summer and now earthly languages prove unchallenging.

"Hawt" Girl: Na'vi?

Nemesis:  Why of course! You know, the language in the movie Avatar.

"Hawt" Girl: (Horrified Expression)

The usurper then  proceeded to flash his teeth, wink, and chortle in what I can only imagine to be a malevolent mating ritual.

A worthy opponent.



2.) Gawky Unicycle Kid

Almost a mythical figure of folklore within the Georgia Tech community, one hears many whispered tales of the infamous unicycle kid.  His appearances are few and far between in recent years, but I had the fortune of seeing this mysterious figure in person.

Befitting the entrance of a fantasy-creature, the setting was an early Monday morning.  During my trek up Freshman Hill, I noticed an unusual amount of fog.  However, as I continued up the hill I began to hear the awe-inspired gasps of students.  As I reached a clearing in the mist, I noticed a coven of transfixed, gawking individuals.  Immobile and perhaps bewitched by the spectacle before them, the students' gaze was fixed upon a marvel one may see once or twice in a lifetime: A man in his early 20's juggling, singing, and twirling upon a blue unicycle.

I immediately fled from the site, unwilling to let this sorcerer of social destruction cast his wizardry upon me.  Clearly he was pursuing an awe-and-inspire tactic to stake his claim to the throne, and I undoubtedly had my work cut out for me.


Unicycle man has little regard for social norms or public decency

3.) Uncomfortably Close Kid

By far the most arrogant and ballsy of my rivals, this mastermind of bumbling banter choses an approach oriented towards terror and oppression towards his future subjects.  Seeking me out directly in an overt challenge of my authority on all things "awk", he calculated a time in which I would be most vulnerable: whilst eating lunch.

There I was, eating lunch with my slightly emaciated indian friend Kunaal, when this bastard saunters over to our table and plops his ass down right next to us.

Kunaal was unprepared for the horror he was about to witness.

My first reaction was shock, but this soon shifted towards a muted admiration towards the utter lack of consciousness this kid maintained.  Staring soullessly at the food before him, his autistic-like demeanor encapsulated those around him.  He sat next to us for 15 minutes without uttering a single word or deviating his gargoyle-like transfixion from the wall ahead of him.  Clearly the gauntlet had been thrown down, and it was up to me to meet the challenge.

This kid was almost certainly a Lemur in his past life.

4.) The Human vs. Zombie Mob

The last an most distressing of my challengers, the human vs. zombie movement is most perilous due to the mass infatuation most Georgia Tech students have with it.  Originally dismissed as nonsensical, nerdy past time by the self-proclaimed elite of the school (aka the "Greeks"), this new radical ideological faction has found a solid foundation within the Georgia Tech student populace.  Originally meeting in private for fear of suppression, the group had now amassed a great enough following to publicly declare themselves as an opposing party to my reign.  This new demographic spread across campus like wildfire, and they soon began conducting public rallies to their causes.  Typically occurring over a week's time, these communal demonstrations only furthered the awareness and intrigue regarding this new radical movement seeping across campus.

Thus, it was during one of these times that I accident stumbled upon a meeting of this rebellion.  Luckily I was traveling "incognito", so I was unrecognized, but I was able to gather valuable intel regarding this opposition and was able to observe them "in action."  Apparently a civil war had broken out amongst the group due to its bi-partisan nature (apparently the "zombies" are imposing oppressive measures towards the "humans").  I was able to deduce this due to the fact that the zombies on the bus, which they referred to as their "mobile headquarters", (apparently the bus is the prime location of "awk-sauce" these days), were planning a pincer-like offensive against the humans on campus.  I remained calm, and waited for the battalion of the undead to scatter out of the bus in a swarm of gangly, pale bodies which lacked any semblance of muscle definition... I remain mentally scarred to this day.

The humans prepare for their last stand



Update: I no longer have braces, so I have officially been usurped.




Friday, January 14, 2011

It's Been Awhile

Ok, before you start reading, I know it's been awhile since my last post but I promise I'm in the middle of a long one so just be patient.

Anyway, school's been canceled almost this entire week due to "Snowpocalypse" strolling into town, but I still woke up for my damn 8 AM class because my dumb ass teacher didn't email us until this morning saying she couldn't make it out of her house....B****.

Nonetheless, I thought the ample time I wasted waking up and getting ready for class so that I wouldn't look like this in the morning:

I don't know what the hell this thing is, but someone should take it out into the woods and shoot it.
shouldn't be wasted by going back to sleep. So, lucky for you of course, I have to decided to sit alone in the Instructional Center (I've already been confused for a maintenance worker by a pair of frenzied Asians--most likely because of the amazingly awesome Construction Boots I'm wearing) and write a short blog post.

I know I'm rambling so here's what I've decided: I'm going to put up a series of optical illusions and comment on what I see. You of course can compare what you see to my own observations.

1.) Albert Einstein/Marilyn Monroe picture


Apparently, the trick to this picture is that "up-close" you will see Albert Einstein, and if you back up about 10 feet you'll see the wonderfully slutty face of Marilyn Monroe.


However, what they didn't mention is that a hideous image (even worse than the one posted above) which basically embodies the appearance of Satan will appear as you start backing up.










2.) Optical Illusion Foreplay


I don't even know where to begin for this one.  The "trick" for this one is that you're supposed to look at this picture on what appears to be a perfume bottle and say what you see before looking at the "explanation below."


Personally I see one amorphous blob groping what appears to be boobs on another amorphous blob.


However, the picture is supposed to be about 9 cute little black dolphins swimming around, and if you aren't able to locate them it's supposed to be because your mind is so "corrupted" by the sexual scenario that you can no longer register the naturalistic innocence of the picture.....






3.) Right or Left



This one is simple: does the window appear to be on the left or right side of the you.


Right. End of discussion.
























4.) Lies

So we can all agree that block A is a darker shade than block B right? Well apparently they are the "same shade." I call bullshit on this one.

5.) Big ass nose



Here's my personal favorite-->What do you see in this picture:


A.) A man with possibly the largest nose in existence playing a horn.


B.) A black and white woman with only half a face.


I originally saw the man with the horn, but after an eavesdropping student (who I kept trying to hide my computer from) pointed the woman out to me it's all I can see now.








6.) Demon



Fail. This picture is supposed to subtly present either:


1.) A lovely couple at a comely little restaurant 


                                    Or
2.) A skull


I don't know how anyone can be like "Omgee there's a skull in this picture" because it's clear as fucking day that this picture is possessed by the anti-christ due to the enormous demon staring back at you.






7.) A mysterious fellow


I like this picture because it makes me feel crafty/sleuth-like when I look at it.


When I look at this picture I clearly see a determined and hardened man with a furrowed brow (this adds to his endearment) who is clearly on a mission.


However, as I (sadly) later found out, the picture is actually the word "Liar."


Regardless, I have chosen to discard this revelation because the word is written in cursive and everyone knows you don't write in cursive after the 2nd grade.




Side note: Over the past hour I have been accosted by 5 different students, and one fairly intimidating black man ,asking for either a pencil, directions, or "When my Ethical Probabilities Class" starts (is that really even a class?)  So apparently I look like a:
-Professor
-Construction Worker
-Map
All in one.




8.)  Tricky



What a sneaky little picture. When I first looked at it all I say was a statuesque looking Native American face, but when I look close it was really just a lovable Eskimo.






So to recap, what have we learned about optical illusions?

1.) Many of them are possessed by the Devil.

2.) Some of them are complete bullshit

3.) Some are obvious

4.) They often utilize obsolete practices, such as writing in cursive, to deceive you.

5.) You feel a small sense of excitement every time you "figure" one out.


Anyway it's off to class for me now because I'm sick of being bothered by strange GT people (I thought a random kid whose ethnicity is unclear sitting alone in a chair at 8 AM in the morning would be a good emitter of "Leave me alone" vibes, but apparently not). But, like I said, I'll have my next blog post finished soon.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Amanda vs. Taylor (Post-Wisdom Teeth Removal)

As any well-intentioned doctor can tell you, anesthesia has vastly different effects on individuals, particularly men and women.  Typically, for guys, anesthesia can induce a testosterone filled adrenaline boost, while, conversely, it can often make girls weepy and emotional.


Now that I have given you this extremely scientific background information, the stage has been set for this epic tale....


When I was in 7th grade (2006), my dear mother decided that it would be a great idea for me and my older sister, Amanda, to get our wisdom teeth removed.  Thinking it would be a great family bonding moment, she scheduled us to have surgery on the same day-->fucking mistake

Don't let the clown make-up fool you, my mom clearly had sinister intentions

It was decided beforehand that I would go to the first on this fateful day, and the build-up to the surgery was dull and boring.  However, after I drifted gently off to sleep in a drug-induced haze and had my wisdom teeth removed, all hell broke loose.

I can only briefly remember the subsequent events, but, according to my mom, the doctors rushed into the waiting room and informed her that her 13 year old son was currently being restrained in the operating room. 

 Hurrying back, my mom was greeted by the wonderful sight of seeing me writhing around on the operation table as nurses and orderlies attempted to hold me down.  In between my drugged gurgling-noises, my mom was able to distinctly hear me continuously say:  "I'M FUCKING PUMPED! I'M SO FUCKING PUMPED UP!!" And then, in a full-scale display of my manliness, I proceeded to scream something sounding like "RAHHHHWRRRR" (yes I did make this sound)

Clearly this was a sight that would make any mother proud.

Anyway, after orderlies were able to restrain my chubby body and calm me down, it was now Amanda's turn to go under the knife.


My body style circa 2006

The next two hours were relatively boring as we had to wait for Amanda to finish, but in the meantime my mom has said that I kept trying to communicate with her.  However, in my drug-induced testosterone-filled rage this proved to be a futile endeavor as the best noises I could muster were ape-like grunts.

Nonetheless, the excitement resumed when Amanda was rolled out into the waiting room area as her reaction to the anesthesia was profoundly different from mine.   

Instead of feeling like ripping off her shirt like the incredible hulk, my sister was caught in the throes of emotional and was sobbing profusely.


The Sad Hulk in this picture is the perfect mixture of me and Amanda's drug-personalities

For some reason, when I saw Amanda in this state of turmoil, I was appalled and felt compelled to snap my sister out of this.  In my reduced mental capacity, I said the first thing that came to my mind: "STOP BEING A PANSY!" (and yes when people are on drugs they talk in all caps)

Clearly this was a mistake as Amanda immediately took this as an insult (as any normal person would), and the stage for our epic battle was set:


AMANDA



Versus

TAYLOR



Interestingly enough, to the outside observers, Amanda and I's confrontation appeared to consist of indiscernible blabbering and flailing movements.  However, perhaps due to the fact that we were both drugged up, Amanda and I were able to understand each other's dialect perfectly, and our outwardly-perceived writhing motions were, in reality, us assuming our respective battle stances.

The first stage of our battle was rooted in a verbal exchange of powerful insults:

Amanda: "Screw you Taylor I waited 3 hours for you to get your damn teeth out."

Taylor: "Ya well at least I'm not crying like a pussy right now."

Amanda: "Fuck you fatty!"

Taylor: "Shut the hell up!"

We then attempted to slap each other from across the room.

When we were able to comprehend how futile this endeavor was, we both came to the conclusion that flinging our bodies across the room at each other would be a suitable alternative.


"Total Frat Move?"


As we both hurtled out of our wheelchairs and laid in crumpled, drooling, heaps on the floor, the hospital informed my mom that she was able to take us home now.




(Translation: Get your damn kids out of the fucking hospital)

The car ride back to our house was also uneventful as my titanic clash with my sister had left us exhausted and passed out in the back of the car.


I have a habit of passing out in cars
Fortunately, during our shared recovery period my sister and I got along fine, but my mom, wanted to cherish one last memory moment of revenge and took a picture of our mutual misery:



And this is why siblings should never get their wisdom teeth taken out together.